Reltionship Rules

Essential Relationship Rules for Couples (Part 1)

I once read a book called Food Rules by Michael Pollan. I loved the format of quick and easy “rules” to think about as it pertains to eating. After working with couples for over a decade I realized it would be nice to have the same easy format for relationship rules. Of course the term “rule” is flexible, I just love an alliteration. If you prefer guidelines, suggestions, tips, tricks, words to live by, etc. then think about it that way instead. You do you.

So without further ado, Let’s get started. 

Rule 1: It’s not them, it’s you. 

I’m half kidding, of course your partner is part of the problem but one of the biggest challenges I see in couples therapy is that people come in fixated on what their partner is doing “wrong”. You have no control over your partner. If you’re focused only on what your partner is doing, you’ve given up all your control. Instead think about your contribution, how are you showing up? How are you communicating? How are you showing affection and love? Are you showing up as the partner you’d like to be? Refocusing on yourself puts you back in the driver’s seat.

Rule 2: Don’t fight when you’re hungry.

This seems obvious. It’s not. Healthy conflict requires the ability to self regulate, manage emotions and be thoughtful in your responses. It’s hard enough to do these things when you’re satiated. Eat first, fight later.

Rule 3: No fighting after 10 PM

Similarly to rule number 2, fighting when you’re fatigued and about to go to bed is a recipe for disaster. My 10 PM time is negotiable, you decide what the cut off time is for your relationship but make it clear that once the clock strikes a certain hour fights are paused to allow for rest. Again, remember that emotional regulation and intentional communication requires work and it’s more difficult to do this when you are both tired. 

Rule 4: Don’t name-call.

You’re not 5, don’t call your partner names. Renowned couples therapists, Dr. John and Julie Gottman have done years of research on what makes a relationship work and what destroys relationships over time. They have found that there are 4 behaviors that are destructive to relationships: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Contempt being the most destructive. Name calling is at best criticism and at worst contempt. There is no place for it in healthy conflict (and saying “you’re being a —” instead of “you are a —” is not a loophole). The Gottmans say “fight with me like I’m someone you love”. Keep that in mind and while you’re at it, don’t call yourself names either. 

Be Kind and fight well.