5 signs that it’s time to get support
Wondering if it’s time for couples therapy? Learn 5 common signs that your relationship could benefit from support — especially before resentment builds. Every relationship hits rough patches — but how do you know if it’s serious enough to seek support? Many couples wait until things feel broken. The truth is, therapy works best when it’s used early — before patterns become painful. On average couples wait 7 years past the point that problems arise to seek out help. After spending hundreds and hundreds of hours sitting with couples I can confidently say that couples that seek out support early have much better outcomes in therapy. If you’re wondering when to begin, here are 5 signs.
- You have the same conflicts on repeat.
Recurring conflicts are not uncommon in relationships and are often an indicator that something is not working in how you are communicating with one another. There are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and gridlocked problems. Couples work reliably addresses both of these and will give you the skill to communicate regardless of the issue.
- You are about to face a big transition or have just gone through one.
Transitions are hard. They create internal and external chaos, and often shake up routines and expectations. A transition could be anything from getting married, buying a house, or having a baby — to retiring or blending families. Spending time planning for an upcoming change or recalibrating from a recent one will most certainly have a positive impact on your ability to feel united in a moment of uncertainty
- You feel disconnected.
One of the most common reasons couples seek out work with me (second only to “communication”) is due to a general feeling of disconnection. Most often this has occurred in response to life changes or communication challenges (see how it’s all connected??). The experience of being out of synch with your partner makes every aspect of life feel harder. A little outside support will make a big difference in bringing you back together.
- You’re not having sex (and you’d like to be).
The lack of sex in a relationship (the term “lack” is discretionary) is most often a symptom of an underlying relationship issue. If you’re not having sex, it’s likely that there is something in the way of your desire and interest to have physical connection with your partner. Maybe your feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm is turning you off, or you have a toddler sleeping in your bed every night, whatever the cause, addressing it will increase your ability to get both your emotional and physical needs met.
- You don’t fight fair.
Conflict management is a skill. None of us come out of the womb knowing how to fight fair. We start our lives learning how to get our needs met through our primal responses. We need to learn the tools to communicate our wants, needs and desires with our partner while managing our innate response of fight, flight or flee. If you find yourself yelling, name calling, shutting down, blaming, over apologizing, not apologizing, overwhelmed, seeing red etc. then you probably need more effective tools to engage successfully in conflict.
Couples who seek me out early on in their relationship, when they haven’t built up years of pain and resentment see results quickly. We can dive into skill building, cultivate the affection that still exists and strengthen your bond. If you’re wondering if you’re ready for couples therapy/coaching, then the answer is a resounding YES! Investing in your relationship while it is generally good is like doing regular maintenance on your car. Take care of it now and it will last a long time. I offer a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether we’re a good fit. Reach out today — your future relationship will thank you.
Be Kind and Fight Well,
Disclaimer- This is intended for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute actual therapy or coaching. If you want real advice, please get in touch with me!
Jessica Small, LMFT 