Jessica Small, LMFT

How to Get the Most Out of Therapy: 3 Ways to Make Every Session Count

Therapy is a big investment — emotionally, financially, and energetically. And like any investment, you want it to pay off. The good news? There are things you can do to make therapy more effective and meaningful. Time and money are limited resources. When we’re putting these resources towards something, we want to walk away feeling like it was worth it.

Here are some tips to ensure that you’re getting the most out of therapy (or coaching) and that both your time and money are well spent.

Come with an Agenda.

You are the expert in your own life. Therapy works best when you have specific goals and concerns that you want to work on. We will always set goals at the beginning of therapy and I’m

happy to guide a session but I cannot possibly know what has occurred in your life in between sessions. When clients come into therapy with something concrete they want to focus on, we can make progress more easily. This approach helps us spend our time on the right things. Take notes of issues/challenges/conflicts/difficulties that arise in between sessions, this can become your ongoing agenda.

Put in the work outside of session.

You cannot expect to see change if you only put in effort during our sessions. No one is building muscle lifting weights once a week for an hour. Therapy is exactly the same. In order to see actual progress you need to be implementing the tools and strategies on a daily basis. The equation for change is applied pressure over time. If you want to get the most out of our time in session, do the assigned homework outside of session.

Tell the truth, even when it’s scary.

The desire for social acceptability is real and it extends into the therapy room. The more honest you are with me, the better I am can help. The therapy room is truly a space of non judgment. Most likely whatever you are going to tell me is something I’ve heard before. Don’t waste your own time and money giving me the version of events you think makes you look good or that you think I want to hear. I can handle the truth and you can too.

I have a deep desire for every client I see to be successful in the changes they want to make. The truth is that for therapy to really be effective, you must want success for yourself even more than I want it for you. Put in the work as well as the resources and you will see the change.

Live your width,

Schedule Today

Are you ready for couples therapy?

5 signs that it’s time to get support

Wondering if it’s time for couples therapy? Learn 5 common signs that your relationship could benefit from support — especially before resentment builds. Every relationship hits rough patches — but how do you know if it’s serious enough to seek support? Many couples wait until things feel broken. The truth is, therapy works best when it’s used early — before patterns become painful. On average couples wait 7 years past the point that problems arise to seek out help. After spending hundreds and hundreds of hours sitting with couples I can confidently say that couples that seek out support early have much better outcomes in therapy. If you’re wondering when to begin, here are 5 signs.

You have the same conflicts on repeat.

Recurring conflicts are not uncommon in relationships and are often an indicator that something is not working in how you are communicating with one another. There are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and gridlocked problems. Couples work reliably addresses both of these and will give you the skill to communicate regardless of the issue.

You are about to face a big transition or have just gone through one.

Transitions are hard. They create internal and external chaos, and often shake up routines and expectations. A transition could be anything from getting married, buying a house, or having a baby — to retiring or blending families. Spending time planning for an upcoming change or recalibrating from a recent one will most certainly have a positive impact on your ability to feel united in a moment of uncertainty

You feel disconnected.

One of the most common reasons couples seek out work with me (second only to “communication”) is due to a general feeling of disconnection. Most often this has occurred in response to life changes or communication challenges (see how it’s all connected??). The experience of being out of synch with your partner makes every aspect of life feel harder. A little outside support will make a big difference in bringing you back together.

You’re not having sex (and you’d like to be).

The lack of sex in a relationship (the term “lack” is discretionary) is most often a symptom of an underlying relationship issue. If you’re not having sex, it’s likely that there is something in the way of your desire and interest to have physical connection with your partner. Maybe your feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm is turning you off, or you have a toddler sleeping in your bed every night, whatever the cause, addressing it will increase your ability to get both your emotional and physical needs met.

You don’t fight fair.

Conflict management is a skill. None of us come out of the womb knowing how to fight fair. We start our lives learning how to get our needs met through our primal responses. We need to learn the tools to communicate our wants, needs and desires with our partner while managing our innate response of fight, flight or flee. If you find yourself yelling, name calling, shutting down, blaming, over apologizing, not apologizing, overwhelmed, seeing red etc. then you probably need more effective tools to engage successfully in conflict.

Couples who seek me out early on in their relationship, when they haven’t built up years of pain and resentment see results quickly. We can dive into skill building, cultivate the affection that still exists and strengthen your bond. If you’re wondering if you’re ready for couples therapy/coaching, then the answer is a resounding YES! Investing in your relationship while it is generally good is like doing regular maintenance on your car. Take care of it now and it will last a long time. I offer a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether we’re a good fit. Reach out today — your future relationship will thank you.

Be Kind and Fight Well,

Schedule Today

Disclaimer- This is intended for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute actual therapy or coaching. If you want real advice, please get in touch with me!

Reltionship Rules

Essential Relationship Rules for Couples (Part 1)

I once read a book called Food Rules by Michael Pollan. I loved the format of quick and easy “rules” to think about as it pertains to eating. After working with couples for over a decade I realized it would be nice to have the same easy format for relationship rules. Of course the term “rule” is flexible, I just love an alliteration. If you prefer guidelines, suggestions, tips, tricks, words to live by, etc. then think about it that way instead. You do you.

So without further ado, Let’s get started.

Rule 1: It’s not them, it’s you.

I’m half kidding, of course your partner is part of the problem but one of the biggest challenges I see in couples therapy is that people come in fixated on what their partner is doing “wrong”. You have no control over your partner. If you’re focused only on what your partner is doing, you’ve given up all your control. Instead think about your contribution, how are you showing up? How are you communicating? How are you showing affection and love? Are you showing up as the partner you’d like to be? Refocusing on yourself puts you back in the driver’s seat.

Rule 2: Don’t fight when you’re hungry.

This seems obvious. It’s not. Healthy conflict requires the ability to self regulate, manage emotions and be thoughtful in your responses. It’s hard enough to do these things when you’re satiated. Eat first, fight later.

Rule 3: No fighting after 10 PM

Similarly to rule number 2, fighting when you’re fatigued and about to go to bed is a recipe for disaster. My 10 PM time is negotiable, you decide what the cut off time is for your relationship but make it clear that once the clock strikes a certain hour fights are paused to allow for rest. Again, remember that emotional regulation and intentional communication requires work and it’s more difficult to do this when you are both tired.

Rule 4: Don’t name-call.

You’re not 5, don’t call your partner names. Renowned couples therapists, Dr. John and Julie Gottman have done years of research on what makes a relationship work and what destroys relationships over time. They have found that there are 4 behaviors that are destructive to relationships: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Contempt being the most destructive. Name calling is at best criticism and at worst contempt. There is no place for it in healthy conflict (and saying “you’re being a —” instead of “you are a —” is not a loophole). The Gottmans say “fight with me like I’m someone you love”. Keep that in mind and while you’re at it, don’t call yourself names either.

Be Kind and fight well.

Disclaimer- This is intended for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute actual therapy or coaching. If you want real advice, please get in touch with me!

Schedule A Consultation Today!